Peace of Mind

Alright, so I know what Dave posted a couple of days ago is not good news.  I can tell you the worst three days of my life are 1) When the doctor came in after Dave's colonoscopy and told us he had cancer 2) When the surgeon came in while Dave was in the hospital and told us it had spread to his lymph nodes and 3)  A couple of days ago when they told us it had spread to his liver and he is now stage 4.

When we first found out he had colon cancer I got online and researched it and I read the statistics.  I hoped and prayed while he was in the hospital that we had caught it early and that it was contained in his colon.  The survival rates for stage 2 were good and we all had hope that it had not spread anywhere.  My nerves were out of control just waiting for the news.  The day we were leaving the hospital the doctor came in and told me to sit down.  I knew the news was not good.  Let's just say his bedside manner was not great, and led me to fear the worst.  I had never felt more heartbroken in my life.  After getting over the shock and again researching, I knew we still had a chance.  Many people have beaten stage 3 and I knew if anyone could it was Dave.  As long as it was not Stage 4 I knew everything would be OK.  If you read the statistics for Stage 4 it is bleak to say the least.  When the doctor's office called and said that they wanted Dave to "come in" for the results of his PET Scan my heart sank.  We both knew it was not good news.  I couldn't even bare to go with him to hear the news so he went alone.  He came back and my worst fears were confirmed.  Now here we are with an end stage cancer, worst case scenario.

OK, now for the "peace of mind."  The night before Dave's surgery his family came and gave us both a Priesthood blessing.  This was something I needed so badly.  I was unable to sleep or eat and I could barely even function.  I had so much anxiety, stress, sadness, and just that awful pit in your stomach feeling that I wondered how the heck I would ever be able to get through another day.  Dave's brother Creed gave me the best blessing about how I would be comforted and that we would look back on this one day as stronger people.  As soon as  he said Amen I felt the pit in my stomach leave and I finally felt like I was able to breathe again.  The relief I felt was so immediate and amazing.  Dave had a blessing after me and he was blessed that he would overcome this and that his body would be healed.  EVERYONE in that room knew that in the end Dave would be OK.  We would not have an easy time getting there, but he would get through this and be OK.  We have all held on to the feeling we had that night and knew that no matter what Dave was going to pull through. 

As this has moved to Stage 4 I have had a more difficult time.  If you do look at the numbers, there are not many Stage 4 survivors.  The thought of losing Dave is more than I can handle and I've felt I've really needed some extra reassurance that he would, indeed, pull through.  As Dave was praying last night he blessed me that I would feel comforted to know that he would get through this and be OK, and that we would grow old together.   As soon as he said it this hot burning sensation that felt like fire filled my chest.  I now know without any doubt that he will be OK.  I know it was the Holy Ghost reassuring me.  I have felt warm and fuzzy feelings before when I have prayed, but I have never felt anything like that in my life. 

This is so personal to me and not easy to share, but I have really felt prompted that I should.  I know that there is a very long, difficult, bumpy road ahead and I am going to have to lean on these feelings in the future to be reassured that in the end all will be well with Dave.  I hope maybe this can help comfort some of you as well.  Remember to not look at the statistics.  Dave is not in the same category of the people who are involved.  90%  of people diagnosed are over 50.  Many doctors and nurses have told us that the median age of people with colon cancer is 70, most of those people are obese, many of them smoke, and a lot of them are not able to finish the chemo.  The statistics are also so outdated.  Just like Dave said, in 4 years they have come a long way and now there is a lot they can do to treat this. 

Dave will beat this.  We know he will.  Thanks again to all our wonderful family, friends, and ward.  We can't thank you all enough for all your help, love, support and prayers.